 By Brian Davies Registered Celebrant JP Noosa Queensland
I am one of ten children of whom there are nine surviving siblings scattered from Queensland, Victoria and the length of New Zealand. In August 2009 I received a phone call to fly to NZ as my mother was only expected to live for a few days. She was basically worn out after having had ten children, had been widowed for 26 years and had survived a loving relationship with my step father who passed away 7 years ago. She was 96 years old and had been just the best mother a son could wish for. We weren’t a wealthy family by any means, but we were rich beyond all belief with the love and care she lavished on all of us. Her motto was: The more children you have, the more you learn to love and share.
Prior to flying off to NZ, I was in contact with a younger brother who was mum’s Power of Attorney. I mentioned that I would be proud to perform the Funeral Service for mum, if there were no objections from other family members. The night before I was due to fly out, my brother rang to say that a few family members were concerned that I would be too emotional, so they had found a celebrant who was highly recommended.
My concern was that no one knew my mother as well as a family member does and that because there was a huge extended family, it would be better if the celebrant was to read the Introduction, Eulogy, and that the rest of us should get up one at a time and say to everyone, including mum, what were our most treasured thoughts or life memories of her. My main reason for this was that a lot of the grandchildren now mostly in their late thirties, up to an early 50, really didn’t know a lot about their Nana. Unfortunately she had the onset of dementia years earlier, which altered her personality as result of the various medications she was taking. My suggestion was agreed to!
Two days before the ceremony, we met with the celebrant who couldn’t have been nicer. It transpired that she had known my oldest sister ( deceased ), and had met my mother and step father at various social gatherings and charity events for which she (celebrant?) had been awarded the Queen’s Medal for public service. WE WERE BLESSED!
The day of the funeral, four brothers, 2 brothers-in-law carried mum in to the funeral sanctuary where her coffin took centre stage. After the celebrant performed her part, one by one we got up to speak. It was my wish that this be done as if we were all in the lounge room at home talking about the good times, and experiences we had shared with her in earlier years. One of my brothers was too emotional to talk, but as he is a brilliant guitarist & singer, he sang UNDER MILKWOOD by Dillon Thomas, and as he was the oldest, this opened the memory flood gates for those who followed, including some of the grandchildren and close friends who went to school with us.
Between this, an earlier candle lighting ceremony, a power point projector display, and mum’s favourite music, the funeral service took one and a half hours to complete. Both the celebrant and the Funeral Home manageress said it was the most moving, loving and funny ceremony they had the pleasure of hosting.
Later that afternoon, I conducted the Committal Service where we laid mum’s still warm ashes with my father, and as the urn was still warm, I invited all those present to feel the warmth of the box which also represented the warmth of mum. So it was passed around the family, who were the only ones invited and I asked that everyone wish mum all the best and thank her for being the best mum in the world.
I offered a very small but caring family orientated poem. As we left we took a piece of Rosemary to rub into our hands and placed the remains in the burial plot. As our mum was the best roast meat cook you could ever meet, I asked everyone to remember that every time we smelt Rosemary on roast chook or lamb, we think of her.
And this Christmas as we had Roast Chook, you guessed it! Mum was there along with the Rosemary.
I recommend this type of service to everyone, as I am not a fan of dead poet’s verses, rather the words spoken from the living and loving.
Rona has asked me to share this with all members and I willingly do in loving memory of my mother Helen Davies, mother and nurse of 10. Dress maker, hairdresser, wonderful cook and wedding cake decorator. Pianist, gardener, artist, and motor mower bicycle mechanic.
MY MOTHER. Bless Her.
Editor's Note:
One of the special roles I believe a professional civil celebrant can play, is to be the independent guide and witness for a family or some other group during those important life change events.
So what happens when someone we need to grieve, dies ? Or someone is our son or daughter, who needs us to be mother or father of the bride or groom ?
As organisers and care-takers, it can be so very easy to step forward, take responsibility and assume that our special knowledge and skills are best used as the "celebrant".
And oh so difficult to "let go" control, to trust the process and be able to participate as one of the family. Family dynamics are very tricky things, and times of lost and grief perhaps the trickiest times of all.
Brian's humility and wisdom touched me, when I heard Brian tell his story.
I am sure all reader's share my heartfelt thanks for Brian's willingness to put pen to paper for this issue of Our Space.
Thank you Brian for sharing your mum, Helen Davies, with your Australian celebrant collegues so generously.
Her love, and yours, shine through and outward.
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