Are we there yet ? Relationship education

Article By
Denise Lacey

Manager

Marriage and Relationship Education

Centacare Catholic Family Services, Melbourne

ARE WE THERE YET, ARE WE THERE YET??

Do you remember when you were little and you were travelling with your parents and the cry from the back seat, whether a half hour trip or an all day trip was, “Are we there yet?” The response would usually be something like, “Not much longer now” (even if it was still hours away!)

Well I guess it is a bit like this with celebrants feeling comfortable and confident when referring couples to Marriage and Relationship Education. Are we there yet? No, but we will be soon – I hope!

Now before everyone reading this gets annoyed with me, I understand the normal anxieties that come with the concept of referring couples.

 For example, you may consider is too personal, it is not your job as celebrant to talk about the relationship, it is religious (and if a couple wanted that they would be marrying in a church), it is too late, you feel uncomfortable talking about it, couples think it is counselling (and so do you), it is embarrassing… and possibly many more that you could name.

You are a celebrant and that is your job and I imagine it is a great job. You assist couples to plan their ceremony, do all the paperwork and of course, marry them on their special day.  How do you build into the conversation the opportunity to look at participating in a marriage education program? It becomes a grey area, doesn’t it?

I think the place to start has to be with the person holding the knowledge……you! And the only way you can believe in a product is to have knowledge.  So please bear with me as I explain the Marriage Education model.

• Marriage Education is NOT counselling. For years, those who work in the field have battled this misconception.
  
  
• Educators, in the main do not have counselling qualifications. They are relationship educators and as such, work with groups and individual couples to assist them to build on their relationship skills so they can have a healthy and growing marriage.
  
  
• Programs cover a range of relationship topics, -communication, managing differences, personality, commitment, money, kids, sex, etc. Most programs have similar topics and yes, there are some that may have a religious component but definitely not all.
  
  
• Most programs are in small groups of up to 12 couples.
  
  
• Couples are NOT expected to share personal details in a group. That would be very inappropriate. There is some large group discussion around more general areas and couples love to hear from others at the same stage of life.
• Of course, there is always lots of fun.

The most important work in a program is the time couples spend on their own exploring the various topics. It is not about finding issues (although some issues might be raised) but it is about building on the strengths of the relationship.

• In our programs, it is seldom that we do not win over a reluctant participant within the first hour.
• It is very hard to remain aloof when a couple is given the opportunity to spend time with their partner exploring the most important thing in the world….their relationship.
• Some recent feedback from our programs included, “It is so much better than I expected.” “I loved spending time with my partner discussing our relationship as we are always so busy.” “It was fun and we learnt some new ideas to strengthen our relationship. Thankyou”.

So that is a bit of an overview on what a Marriage Ed program is - but how do you tell couples about it?

• You could contact your local providers and meet with them to get knowledge and information.

• If you are really enthusiastic you could ask to sit in on a program to see for yourself.

However, the most important thing will be what you say to couples when you hand them the brochure.

Here are a couple of ideas:

• “Have you heard about marriage education programs? It is not counselling and it does not go looking for problems – it is relationship education.

• These programs are a great opportunity for you to spend some time together exploring the strengths in your relationship and to build on those skills.

• Here is a brochure that you might like to look at together and even have a look at some programs on offer nearby on the internet.”

If you have had positive feedback, you can say that other couples you have married have attended a specific program and share the details.

Most couples that attend Marriage Education come to a program within three months prior to marrying.

The earlier the couple attend, the better it is because the closer it is to the wedding, the more stressed they are! I imagine I don’t need to tell celebrants that!

I think in our society, we do not support marriage very well.

• How often do parents or significant others talk with their engaged children about being engaged?
• Are the conversations all about the guest list, the catering, dress, cars etc?
• Or do they spend time talking about their  excitement, anticipation and anxieties, hopes and dreams?
• How do we model for couples that working on having a good marriage (let alone a great marriage) is worth it?
• Do we encourage couples to spend time together, away from work, the renovations and the wedding plans to dream, date and cuddle?

In marriage education programs, there are two facilitators who are passionately interested in every couple present. Most programs are two days in length. Imagine having two people  genuinely interested in you having a great marriage. What a gift!

If this is something you believe in, then referring a couple will be easy….well easier!

Remember the lemon tree? Several months later I went to another nursery and a helpful person suggested some options. I now have a lovely miniature lemon tree growing in my backyard.

“Are we there yet?” I think we are getting there. Yet not only do Celebrants need to feel comfortable and confident about referring to Marriage Education, Marriage Educators need to do their bit to inform celebrants about available programs and the program content and process.

When Celebrants and Educators have a positive co-relationship of care and support for all couples who want to build a strong and healthy marriage, then we can say we have arrived.

Our sincere thanks to Denise for this article.

• If you have Tips about "How to Refer Couples to Relationship Education" to assist other celebrants, please let us know.

• If you have questions, you would like answered about Relationship Education please contact us. We'll put those to Deniste for a Question and Answer section in our Next E_Magazine.