Stress and Grief Part 2

Yvonne Thomas is an ACCN member and Marriage and Family Celebrant living on the Gold Coast.

1. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of feelings - see Overview
2. BREATHE – and I truly mean breathe, take deep long pragmatic breaths! - see Part 1
3. TALK TO SOMEONE – find someone to share your feelings with. Someone who will truly be there for you in these times - See below and Part 1
4. TAKE A WALK IN NATURE – Read the section below on negative ions. - see Part 1
5. EVERYDAY FIND 5 THINGS TO INSPIRE YOU OR THINGS OF BEAUTY AND WRITE THEM IN A JOURNAL – build on these 5 things
6. MEDITATION - see Part 1
7. JOURNALLING
8. MASSAGE - see Part 1
9. BACH FLOWERS
10. AROMATHERPY - see Part 1
11. PREPARING FOR OUR OWN DEATH AND LIVING A CONSCIOUS LIFE
12. ASSISTING THE DYING

BACH FLOWERS

Dr Edward Bach was a Physician and Homeopath who spent his lifetime searching for the purest methods of healing. He died in 1936 and left behind the legacy of the Bach Flowers – 38 in total plus Rescue Remedy and Rescue Remedy Sleep. They work by treating the individual rather than the disease or its symptoms. Dr Bach believed behind all illness there was an underlying emotional response that needed to be addressed. Hence his discovery of Flower Remedies to assist in the emotional disruption within the body. The Bach Flower remedies are completely safe for animals, children, babies, the elderly in fact anyone! Even Plants can benefit from Bach Flower remedies – if transplanting a plant, place 2-4 drops of rescue remedy in a bucket of water and use on plant.

The Bach flowers work on treating the emotional underlying issue, for example,  you may have two different people who suffer from arthritis, one may be resigned to their illness while the other one is very impatient about their prognosis – they would require very different Bach flower remedies for treatment.

The remedies are not to suppress negative attitudes but to transform them into positive ones, stimulating one’s own potential for self-healing and freeing the physical system to engage fully in fighting disease and stress.

People do not have to be physically ill to benefit from these remedies. Many of us go through times of difficulty and fatigue and negativity creeps in, at these times the remedies are invaluable in restoring the balance before physical symptoms appear. The remedies are divided into different groups – Dr Bach discovered that all illness, stress could be divided into seven different categories of:

FEAR, UNCERTAINTY, INSUFFICIENT INTEREST IN PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES, LONELINESS, OVER-SENSITIVITY TO INFLUENCES AND IDEAS, DESPONDENCY OR DESPAIR, OVER-CARE FOR THE WELFARE OF OTHERS

As  mentioned previously you don’t need to be actually ‘sick’ before you use Bach Flowers, below are a few examples of how Bach Flower remedies can assist in your day to day life:-

This is a great way to express your heartfelt emotions, it is a bit like a meditation in that it puts you in touch with your inner self allowing for expression and often self understanding in dealing with your emotions.

Some days you might struggle to put one foot in front of the other in times of grief, however there is always something beautiful to be found in the world around you. Look for it - it is right there in front of you, For example:

• The sunset

• The sunrise

• A butterfly

• A child’s smile

• A smile from a stranger

• The beauty in a flower

Write down 5 things that you can find beauty in, and build on it to give yourself a positive focus. It might be an act of kindness by someone, something unexpected that someone did for you. Write down what it is they did and feel the positive emotions that you felt.

Communicate openly, honestly compassionately and unselfishly – try and resolve any unresolved problems we may have with others. Think about your relationship with your family, friends, work colleagues. How can you start to work with these relationships to start to resolve any problems?

Maybe start with forgiveness

Feeling good about our actions and thoughts in life, not just towards other people but towards ourselves as well

Acceptance of ‘what is’ in life as opposed to of how we perceive life should be

Acceptance of ‘others’ without judgement

Allowing others to be who they are – without a judgement

Feeling positive about our life – looking for the best in others

Remembering only the good things that we or others have done

Being mindful of our actions and our thoughts

Are we operating from the highest level of thought and vibration in life?

Are we working from love and compassion or are we coming from a place of fear and judgement?

Learning to become less attached to people, places things and events . . . by this I mean when life does not give you what you want  - how do you react?

It is in our attachment to an outcome as to how we react in life, if we don’t get that promotion we believed we deserved – do you allow this outcome to effect your wellbeing and state of mind?

Trusting that the outcome is the way it is meant to be – regardless of the consequences – trusting there is a bigger picture at play that we have yet to understand.

Keeping a positive and loving state of mind at the time of death goes a long way in assisting ourselves and others at the time of passing on

Why wait until death to practice this, why not start now, today, for we have no idea when we each will be knocking on deaths door.

Are we fearful of death?

Do we understand what happens at death?

I like to see ourselves as the physical body being the means for the spiritual self or the mind (consciousness) which uses the physical body in order to experience this world. At death the consciousness leaves the physical body.

Living a conscious life everyday prepares us for our own time in death.

Helping another person to die with a peaceful, positive state of mind is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can give to another.

As well as the physical needs in taking care of the dying they also have spiritual needs – they need to make sense of their life, their suffering, their death. They often need hope for what lies beyond death. They will often need to be cared for and guided by someone or something wiser and more powerful than themselves. One of the greatest fears for most of humanity is the fear of being alone at death.

One of the most important skills in helping a dying person is to try and understand what their needs are and do what we can to assist them. We can best do this by putting aside our own needs and wishes, be ready to be there for them and assist them in whatever way we can and do whatever we can to help make their dying easier. This is the greatest gift to the dying.

Emotionally, the dying can be faced with the biggest challenges ever – my husband told me that the emotional letting go through his dying was the greatest obstacle he was ever faced with – it was the most difficult of all through his dying process and the most painful more difficult than the physical suffering.

Attachment to their loved ones left behind, things that are left undone or unsaid, things that they have remorse for. It is helpful through these times to be there and allow them to express their suffering – really be there for them without judgement. Just sitting, listening compassionately and not trying to ‘fix’ their world. Just allowing them to be in this place of expression.

The dying often may have regret for wanting to have lived a better life and may find it difficult to forgive themselves for things that they would have liked to have done differently. Remind them of their true nature and that their faults and mistakes are transitory and removable, like dirt on a window.

Some people may be concerned that their wrong doings are so numerous and great that they could never be forgiven. If they believe in God then assure them that the nature of God is pure, unconditional love and compassion, so they always forgive whatever mistakes we make. If the person has no such belief, then what they need is to forgive themselves. You can help them to do this by encouraging them to express their heartfelt regret for their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. That is all they need to do. Remind them that whatever actions were done in the past are over and cannot be changed, so it’s best to let go of them.

All religions stress the power of forgiveness, and this power is never more necessary, nor more deeply felt, than when someone is dying. Through forgiving and being forgiven, we purify ourselves of the darkness of what we have done, and prepare ourselves more completely for the journey through death.

How do we cope with our own emotions at this time? It too can be difficult coping with our own emotions, one thing is to remind ourselves that everything in life is constantly changing, nothing stays the same, even fear will come to pass – fear is usually the resistance to change and the unknown.

If the dying person is a friend or family member – it is additionally challenging of having to deal with our own attachments and expectations in our relationship with them. Although it is difficult, the best we can do is learn to let go of the person, allow them to go, clinging to them is unrealistic and will only cause more suffering for all concerned. Letting go and giving a loved one permission to die is unconditional love in its purest form. Love is not selfish, love is not demanding.

I hope I have given you all something to think about, most importantly my message is that it is so important to acknowledge these emotions within you and having people who can support you in these times with a listening ear, without judgement and people who will validate and acknowledge your suffering will truly help you heal grief.

And perhaps for you to discover some of the wonderful natural solutions through meditation or Bach Flowers to assist you in your day to day journey through life.

Tell me how you REALLY feel?

Do you dare to be honest with your true authentic feelings?

What do you risk with being honest with yourself?

Stripping your mask and daring to look inside of yourself and being witness to the true essence of who you are – not what society expects of you

To suppress the inner core of your being is a life lived in disguise, it is a denial of who you truly are

Are you willing to sit with your pain and acknowledge it?

Instead of ignoring its existence

When you say ‘yes’ out of fear of offending another, or for wanting acceptance from that person – or because you do not want to disappoint another. Check what you are truly feeling inside, if inside of you is saying ‘no I don’t want to do this’ then you need to trust that inner guidance.

By saying yes when deep inside this is not in alignment with what you feel - you are only dishonouring yourself and the other person.

When we feel we have to do something out of ‘obligation’ it usually leaves us feeling resentful.

Can you dare to stand in your truth?

Will you dare to speak your truth at the risk of offending others?

What have you got to lose by standing in your truth? - Being judged by another – because you no longer agree with them?

Do you really care what another thinks of you?

Isn’t what you think of yourself more important than what others may think?

Isn’t your authentic self more important than another person’s interpretation of how they perceive you to be – do you dare expose the truth of your self

Do you dare to allow others to stand in their truth and express their truth without judgement?

Can you allow yourself and others to just simply be – without judgement?

Yvonne Thomas ©