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Our ‘Central Nervous System’ is what responds first in life – not our brain!
So we can tell ourselves all the stories in the world that we are okay, all the positive affirmations and outlook can help but ultimately it is our central nervous system that is responding before our minds, so we need to acknowledge and address our emotional reactions and feelings.
Everyday of our lives we can experience ‘loss’ of some kind, we do not have to suffer the death of a loved one to experience grief, it may be the loss of a work colleague moving on to greener pastures, the loss of a relationship with someone close, loss of money, loss of jobs, loss of a partner, loss of children moving out and moving on.
Ultimately, it is a ‘change’ in our lives and it is a loss and the emotional reaction will vary considerably depending upon the relationship and extent of loss in our lives. It is our resistance to change that results in our negative emotional reaction to an ever changing environment.
When you have suffered a loss people tend to expect you to ‘get over it’ and ‘get on with life’, ‘let it go’, or worse will go on to ‘tell you their story’.
So we will tend to stop talking about the loss we have experienced . . . let alone express our true feelings.
When a death occurs, the emotions can be overwhelming. Nobody likes to witness grief, it is a terrible state in which to be in. Everyone including the bereaved feels helpless at this time.
People will endeavour to offer words of comfort by saying things like:
‘well at least they had a good life’
‘it was meant to be’
‘it could be worse, at least they didn’t suffer’
‘at least you have your family to support you’
None of these comments actually assist or offer comfort to the bereaved.
And yes it may well be that it was a ‘relief that someone has died due to their suffering and medical condition’. However it is the living that is left behind to cope with the aftermath.
So the bereaved try to justify the death and deny their loss by clinging to these so called words of wisdom by:-
Putting on a ‘brave face’
‘being strong’
Denying their true feelings
The reality is it does not stop the intense sadness experienced, it does not go away. We think that by ignoring these deep emotions they will somehow go away. They do not go away, instead they are stored in the cellular memory of our bodies.
How best to assist the bereaved ...
When you are grieving over something, whether it is a death, or loss of any other kind in life, you need to be able to express your emotions – WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, and you need to have someone who WILL LISTEN to you honestly, openly and actually ACKNOWLEGE YOUR PAIN.
What the bereaved NEED MOST IS VALIDATION
of the INTENSE EMOTIONAL PAIN they are experiencing
WITHOUT JUDGEMENT
WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX the pain
YOU CANNOT FIX their pain
Being PRESENT with the bereaved and ACKNOWLEDGEING THEIR PAIN their FEARS, Whatever EMOTIONS they have is the best and most important way we can assist the bereaved.
Giving the bereaved a SAFE PLACE in which to vent their deep emotions is so important. If someone is bereaved, and having difficulty coping with their loss, LISTEN to what they are actually trying to express
WHAT TO SAY AND WHAT NOT TO SAY:
Bereaved:
‘ I really miss not having Jim around’
A Negative response would be:
‘You have to keep yourself busy, get back to your bowls, try not to think about it, time will heal’
(In other words ignore your feelings, stuff them inside of yourself and pretend they don’t exist! The person is missing Jim NOW, yes time will heal, or the reality of their loss no longer overwhelms them in time,
BUT FOR NOW their suffering is intense and their emotions are very real – they miss and long for their loved one.)
Positive Helpful Response:
‘I can understand you would miss him not being around anymore
I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you’
In this example you have actually acknowledged their pain in ‘missing having Jim around’.
Bereaved:
‘I feel so lonely and fearful of the future, Jim used to look after everything for me’
Negative Response:
At least you have your family around you and you spent 40 good years with Jim you need to be positive – some people never have that.
You have to be strong – you will manage, I have never had a supportive husband around to do things for me – I have coped and so will you’
Positive Response:
‘I can imagine you must miss him terribly, you have spent the best part of your lives together.
I can imagine you would be fearful, now that he is not around to look after everything’
In the above example, again you have acknowledged their loneliness and also acknowledged their fear of the future, you don’t have to try and offer a solution to their problem, just simply be present and hear what message they are trying to express. Acknowledging, their pain and suffering will truly assist the bereaved, just to know that someone actually understands and validates their feelings of heartache is often all that is required. It allows for the bereaved to really open up and share their anxiety and suffering. Remember you cannot ‘fix’ the bereaved, don’t attempt to try and ‘fix’ them, sadly this is a journey that they must walk but having support of your friendship and understanding will really assist them on their journey.
Honestly, some of the ridiculous things that people say to the bereaved is mind boggling. I had a someone say to me:
‘You are lucky your husband died, I have to live with the fact my husband is with another woman’
Lucky, how the hell could I be lucky my husband died?
There was a part of me that wished like hell he had just left me for another woman, then I could get angry at him and move on.
I also had people say to me
‘You are lucky you had such a loving husband and a marriage with so much love’ – some people never experience that in a lifetime’. Yes I knew I was ‘lucky’ to have experienced that, but as a result of these constant comments a little voice raised up within me saying:-
‘You should think yourself lucky that you experienced this kind of love – so how dare you grieve for what you have lost, be thankful for what you had’!
So I started to deny the intense grief.
We can never truly know how our well intended comments can affect someone in grief, so we are best to keep our well intended words of wisdom to ourselves. Instead, just listen, acknowledge and talk about their loved one, remind them of happier times through the conversation like
‘I remember the time we all went fishing out in the bay and the boat broke down, it didn’t worry Jim in the slightest he would have been just as happy to stay drifting all night long – he really loved his boat with a passion’.
Talk often about the deceased – use their name.
Allow the bereaved to talk about their loved one dying – often the bereaved need to go over and over the situation to make sense of the situation, it gives the bereaved the opportunity to come to terms with the reality of their life.
If you are lost for words and often this is the case, simply say to the bereaved ‘I am totally lost for words, I really don’t know what to do or what to say’ give them a hug, cry with them, just be with them – the bereaved more than ever need lots of hugs.
When we can safely have our feelings validated, we begin to open up and allow the emotions to be released – this goes a long way in beginning the healing process. Denying the deep fear, emotional pain the bereaved are enduring by offering ‘solutions’ telling them ‘of course you will cope’, ‘you have to be strong’ etc., instead give the bereaved the support they truly need.
Their fear is very real for them, pretending or denying it is present or by telling them to not focus on these deep emotions only denies them the opportunity to truly express what they are feeling.
Without this acknowledgement and support, the bereaved feel as if no-one understands them. They can feel more and more isolated in their grief without this support.
Eventually they will stop talking about their emotions, they shut them off, stuffing emotions inside and not allowing for expression, the bereaved usually put up a ‘brave face’. I can remember walking around the supermarket and looking at people and thinking how many of you are wearing a mask like me, how many of you are feeling torn to shreds like me, how many people suffering this intense pain like me. How many other souls like me suffering this intense agony?
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