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Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has
studied what he calls the 'masters and disasters' of marriage.
Members of the general public took part in long-term studies, and Dr. Gottman
learned what makes marriages fail, what makes them succeed, and what can make
marriages a source of great meaning.
By examining partners’ heart rates, facial
expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to
other people, Dr. Gottman claims he is able to predict with more than 90%
accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not.
What marriage and relationship advice does Dr.
Gottman have to offer?
Below are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong:
- Have
high standards. Happy couples have
high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful
couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful
behaviour from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad
behaviour in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is
down the road.
- Focus
on the bright side. In a happy
marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as
many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as
negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot;" not,
"We never have any fun". A good marriage must have a rich
climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.
- Accept
influence. A marriage succeeds to the
extent that the husband can accept influence
from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My
mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and
her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them".
This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by
his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are
already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership
only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
- Edit
yourself. Couples who avoid saying
every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently
the happiest.
- Soften
your "start up." Arguments
first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the
conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous.
- Edit
yourself. Couples who avoid saying
every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently
the happiest.
- Learn
to repair and exit the argument.
Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to
repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control.
Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something
completely unrelated; using humour; stroking your partner with a caring
remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it
clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing
down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to
win); and, in general, ffering signs of appreciation for your partner and
his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to
thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute
break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
- Seek
help early. The average couple waits
six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half
of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the
average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
Copyright 2004 The Gottman
Institute, Inc.
Book: The Relationship Cure
by Dr. John Gottman and Joan deClaire
http://www.gottman.com
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